A Whole New Generation

In general, I avoid kid movies. I occasionally stomach them when I can’t avoid it, but for the most part, I find something else to do on movie night. I know, I know, this is the family tradition of the our era – the whole family hunkered down in the dark living room eyes fixed on the latest flick with popcorn in every lap. But kids’ movies get on my nerves. Beyond the obvious plots and dumbing down of the humor, I can only suspend reality so far before I start making snide remarks. So it’s best if I avoid the whole scene.

Last night we had an impromptu family night to re-watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid, which was Friday night’s movie. The kids REALLY wanted their father and I to watch it. So we did. The whole thing. I kept waiting for some poignant moment when it would become obvious why they insisted we watch the movie, but mostly I spent the entire time being annoyed with the horrible, self-obsessed, shallow lead character. And apparently there are four more books centered around him. In the end he makes some retribution for his horribleness, but it was too late for me to be impressed.

All morning I’ve been contemplating that movie and why it was that my kids insisted I watch it. Maybe it was to make sure I understood just how awful middle school is and how much pressure they are under. I asked several times if the scene on the TV was representative of the scene at their schools, and they assured me it wasn’t quite that bad. But I do remember how awkward it is to be a middle schooler. I hope my own children will be a little more clued in than I was.

I worry that we are handicapping them by not having cable, satellite, or high-speed internet. We have no hand held games, Wii, or Nintendo. The only screen we have to fight about is the computer screen and there are plenty of battles over that. In fact, the bigger the battles over the screen the less likely I am to tell the kids that just last week they finally ran cable down our street. We’re toying with the idea of high-speed internet, but I’m loathe to poison our happy existence with a high speed invasion. Right now, the lack of screens leads my kids to play elaborate imaginative games, read books, build things with legos and marbles, create artwork, write stories, and spend hours outside.

They aren’t completely ignorant. They’ve played video games at other kids’ houses. We spend time at the library exploring the World Wide Web. And we have a subscription to Netflix for our weekly movie night. The free television that comes over the airwaves to our house enables us to watch football and baseball and Nova. And on Saturday mornings the major networks still show cartoons and ridiculously trendy (and stupid) kid sitcoms.

That’s still much more media exposure than I had as a child. And it makes me wonder what kind of generation we are raising. These kids are addicted to screens. They know how to react to all kinds of elaborate games, but could they create a computer program? I myself, think the computer works by magic – nothing else within my limited brain capacity could explain how it can open eight web pages at once while I am editing my latest post and listening to the new Rosanne Cash CD my step-mother-in-law sent me.

Our children witness endless stories on TV and online, many that push the limits of their emotional maturity, but could they write an original tale? They laugh and gawk at reality TV, but can they tell the difference between “reality” on TV and real life reality? Will they expect this world to be as entertaining or dramatic or exciting as what they experience online and in their living rooms? More to the point, will they be able to cope with disappointment, difficulties, boredom, and hard work?

There is a flipside to all this. Because these kids have been exposed to so much, maybe they will be more understanding of people with differing ethnicities, opinions, or lifestyles. Maybe these kids will believe anything is possible because they see the realm of possibility challenged on a daily basis. Maybe they will believe they can do anything they set their minds to since they’ve seen all manner of humankind accomplish unlikely feats. My younger brother spent all his spare change and every spare moment in the arcades of our youth. He held the high score on hundreds of machines. Guess what he’s doing today? He’s still playing video games – only on the government’s dime. He’s an air force fighter pilot. After years of flying combat missions, he spends his days teaching young pilots in the simulators. He let me try the simulator once, I crashed in minutes. Lacking the hand-eye coordination and quick decision making skills he garnered during all those long afternoons in the arcades, I was hopeless.

It’s impossible to say whether being exposed to too much or very little media will help or hinder our kids. As a parent I know all too well that I can’t predict my kids and the days of controlling their daily activities and decisions (or the illusion of that control) are quickly passing. At this point, our best bet is to support them and love them and continue to expect things from them – things like following the rules, treating others with respect, and taking personal responsibility for their actions. Those are much bigger issues than how much TV they watch.

So as you battle over the screens, remember the battle isn’t about the screen, it’s about the parameters you’ve set as a parent. Don’t make the screen the bad guy (I’m guilty of this!), it’s no more the bad guy than too much candy, not cleaning up after yourself, or not doing your homework. It’s not that they should shut down the screen, it’s that they should do their homework or practice their saxophone or take the dog for a walk or clean up the mess they left in the living room. Focus on the things they should do and let the screen take its place where it should – in their spare time.

Me? I’m still not going to allow open-access to the screens in our house. But that’s the rule and it’s understood. We’re always negotiating the computer time. I’m toying with the idea of letting down some of my restrictions. As long as my kids always understand – the computer games are a privilege, not a right. Privileges can be lost, but rights can’t.

Who knows what kind of generation we are raising? I hope it’s a generation of open-minded, generous, and quick-thinking people who just happen to have great hand-eye coordination.

The Battle for Screen Time Rages On

The showdown at the OK Corral happened here almost two months ago. I really didn’t think they had it in them to hold out like this. My children have been without computer games for so long now, I’m not sure they even miss it. They could hold out indefinitely. I’m losing this bet, but I’m beginning to realize this may not be such a bad thing.

Two months ago I had a Mommy Melt Down Moment. I’m sure you’ve had one yourself, so I don’t need to make excuses (but I will anyway). I got up one morning and I didn’t know it but I had reached the breaking point. As I made a pass through several bedrooms picking up towels off the floor and tripping over the baskets of clean clothes yet to make it in to their drawers, my blood boiled over. When I encountered them in the kitchen where they had left their dishes on the table, pencils on the floor, and shoes abandoned in front of the door I began my assault. They retreated to their default positions of “It wasn’t me”, “I never touched it” and “I was going to do that when I finished (fill in the blank)..”

When my verbal assault produced no action, I had to go for the heavy artillery. “No computer until you start doing your share!” I spelled out a lengthy peace treaty which involved them doing their part (i.e. the dinner chore assigned to them, putting away their clean clothes, picking up their belongings, etc.) and in return they would be given their computer privileges. Until then the computer would stay locked down.

As I said, that was two months ago. In the beginning they stubbornly tested my resolve. I fumed, they whined, but I didn’t weaken my position one inch. If they wanted this hill they would have to acquiesce to my demands. Which they didn’t. At first I was outraged – all I was asking them to do is not be slobs and pick up their own things! It’s not like I was asking them to scrub the kitchen floor or clean a toilet (or a chicken cage for that matter!). Ridiculously lazy! Who did they think was going to pick up their belongings? (Yup, the only person who cared that their things were strewn all over in the first place.)

So I did the picking up and I put things away, although I did hold the line on the laundry and hid my daughter’s clean clothes until she begged to put them away herself. And then a funny thing happened. My husband and I noticed that the kids were fighting less. They were playing together. They were exploring the woods again. They re-discovered the joy of the zip line. They wrote stories. They played games. They played legos. They talked to each other and to us. And they stopped even mentioning the computer and all the exciting games. They acted out their favorite fantasy game Balder’s Gate all over our property. It was as if a fog had settled over our battlefield and made all the soldiers peaceable.

My oldest son does use a computer for homework and I’ve taken to giving him 20 minutes before the others get home from school to play Balder’s Gate, but only because he’s finally putting his laundry away the same day I put it in his room and refraining from leaving his vast quantities of stray papers (he would say stories, theories, ideas, strategies, etc.) all over every surface of the house. It’s a very thin truce.

I write all this as a reminder to you – you hold the power as the parent. You decide what you allow and what you don’t. There is no constitutional law that says your children have the right to watch TV, play video games, computer games, whatever. You give them that privilege (and I bet you purchased that privilege) and you can take it away. That gives you tremendous leverage. Remember that you only have leverage if the child in question values the privilege you are holding over them. We don’t have TV or video games, so my leverage lies with the computer games.

If you don’t want to fight with your kids about what they eat – don’t buy it. If you don’t like the clothes your daughter chooses to wear to school – don’t provide them. If you want more help around the house create some consequences. If you don’t want your kids to spend endless hours in front of screens – don’t let them. I think we forget that, at least for now, we hold the power in these relationships. Everything is not negotiable. We have lots of opportunities to teach our children about dealing with frustration, boredom, personal responsibility, unfulfilled wishes, and shattered expectations. Handling inevitable disappointments and logical consequences are life skills many adults I know don’t own.

I know this might sound hard and you don’t really want to be the “meanest parent in the world”, but here’s your out - when you create and clearly explain consequences you can stop being the bad guy. That’s why my standoff over doing your part is working and no one’s holding it against me (well, OK, my daughter occasionally argues the finer details of “doing your part”). I think they’ll cave eventually. I know I won’t. There is peace in the land because there is no bad guy here. There’s just a set of decisions and logical consequences. They know that it’s within their power to regain their computer privileges and they know that the only reason they don’t have them is not that their mom is so mean (that’s a given), but because they don’t want to pick up their things. It might be frustrating, but it’s fair.

It might be shooting myself in the foot, but I’m hoping they never get their computer privileges back. Without the technologically induced emotions of the screen, they are much nicer children. And they have discovered how much fun they can have without electronics. It’s funny, since we took away the computer games I’ve hardly heard my kids say, “I’m bored” once. They’ve remembered how to create their own fun.

You Do Not Need a Bendaroo

Watching TV costs you money. And I’m not talking about cable or dish network or satellite or anything like that. We have a television in our house and no service except what comes free from the sky. With Kid # 1 and Kid #2 we were able to get by with the occasional video or DVD. Nothing on the regular stations (all three of them!) interested them. But Kid # 3 has been a different story. He plans his week around the two hours of uninterrupted screen time on Saturday morning. And this has cost me money.

This week it’s the bendaroos. His life will not be complete until he has this overpriced, over-hyped toy. He can tell you all the benefits and features, word for word from the commercials that were pounded in to his head this past Saturday morning. Before that it was the Alive Lion Cub or the Mega- Ship Shark Attack. There is always something that he finds lacking in his life by 11am on Saturday. And then I have to listen to the begging and bargaining all week. This week there were actual tears over the bendaroos. I happened in to a Toys R Us and checked them out for myself. It took awhile to locate this ubertoy which, apparently is only a must have for my son since the clerk had no idea what I was talking about (“benda-what??” “Roos, you know like a kangaroo, only bendy” Am I really having this conversation??). $20 bucks! That’s what they wanted for a box of wax covered pipecleaners. So I did what every sensible parent does these days, I went home and looked online. Still $20 bucks and the reviews were horrible. There were even directions on how to lodge a better business bureau complaint if you have already purchased this toy. Wow. And still he whines.

My point is that he would have never known about Bendaroos or Shark Attack or any of the other overpriced toys that he attempts to con his grandparents in to buying for him if he wasn’t watching television. So here’s my affordable organic tip for the day – turn off the tube. Find something for your kids to do that doesn’t involve a screen. And here’s an even bigger tip – let them be bored. The best ideas come when someone has time to be bored. Finally their brain is unencumbered by flying digital images and unending noise. There’s creativity to be had in silence. Kids will whine about being bored. They will complain. And that’s when you just say something like, “huh.” Be completely noncommittal because – and here’s the important thing to remember – their boredom is not your problem. It’s theirs and if they really own it they won’t stay bored for long. They will find some way to amuse themselves. Who knows, maybe they’ll open a book. Or pull out the markers. Or dig out that overpriced, over-hyped talking lion cub that they just had to have a few months ago.